2018 ODC *Projected* Ass-Kicking Rankings
Jan 6, 2018 12:31:53 GMT -5
Tigers GM (Alex), Braves GM (Wood), and 3 more like this
Post by Twins GM (Pat) on Jan 6, 2018 12:31:53 GMT -5
Apparently it's rankings season, so I wanted to do one that was not so baseballcentric and a little satirical.
These are the first ever (& almost positively never again) *Projected* ODC Ass-Kicking Rankings: How ODC's GM's would fare in a barroom brawl, in loose order from worst to best.
*Projected* because I don't know everyone in here beyond a few photos or conversations or jokes about each other, and so this is 100% in a joking tone and is not to be taken seriously.
So please, "don't get all butthurt." The tiers are in order other than the 'No Idea' tier, but the GM's in each tier aren't in much of an order.
A good thing about society in here is no matter how heated our arguments get it doesn't tend to come to threats of ass-kicking.
Because let's not get all rowdy and stupid about some shit-talk or about who fucked the fatter chick.
One of the determining factors in these rankings is how much guys talk trash, because that can mean they can't back it up.
Physical size is another, although it is just perceived size in most cases. Again this list is not very accurate or meaningful.
Guys who try to keep fit vs. those that don't seem to. I don't keep a journal of this shit but it comes up in chat once in a while.
A big one is age, so you can say it's biased in that regard. There's Old Man strength, Dad strength, Retard strength, and other such factors that may influence one's rank.
Ready ... FIGHT!
The Cornells
Red Sox/ Will - Will's an English Lit major (probably isn't but we'll use it for effect), writes for his school paper and weighs 135 with boots on. Maybe he's a secret Kung fu master but I don't have much faith in that.
Padres/ Noah - I assume there's a good chance brawling isn't one of Noah's strong suits. Could be wrong but I saw a pic of him recently and he isn't exactly what you'd call a Brick Shithouse.
Yankees/ Justin - Justin doesn't go to Cornell but he was at ODC Meetup '17 so we'll lump him in, and something tells me he didn't spend much time honing his bar fight skills between studying obscure stats and jerking it to prospects.
White Sox/ Mike - Mike is a Cornell to the core, but he could be packin' a Glock or TEC-9 with all that rap music influencing him, and he does go to the gym occasionally. Even though I imagine it's just to do Pilates or ride the elliptical while reading a novel.
The Tweenies (The Young'uns)
Rockies/ Smac - Apparently he's 6'1 or something tall like that, but a 6+ foot 17 year old coming at grown-ass men would just get them madder and make things worse.
A's/ JT - JT doesn't come off as a wimp to me at all but something's gotta be said here for looking like he's 13.
Astros/ Elijah (a.k.a. "Max") - Max has size as he often reminds us, "I'm huge," which is somewhat off-putting but at least it gets him closer toward the middle of this list.
No Idea
Orioles/ Jeff - I think he's young-ish still, not really sure and I can't formulate much of an idea. But it is refreshing to have Jeff in the bottom 3rd of a rankings. Though I sense his offense would be filthy and disgusting.
Reds/ Cody - Same story as Jeff pretty much. He's from Iowa? Not sure of that, or if it's good or bad. Sorry not much to add here.
Blue Jays/ Sanders - 20 something Jewish guys that snowboard generally don't pose much of a threat, but I know some Jews are tough and pretty sure he's over 20 so he can bypass the Young'uns tier.
Phillies/ Khanz - Khanz doesn't seem to have much of a personality other than getting all fiery and pissy about things. Maybe screaming and cursing will help. If he does have a personality I don't think we've seen it yet.
Pirates/ Caleb - Not sure about Caleb but maybe he would walk into the perfect bar at the right time and luck into a victory.
Angels/ "John" - Why is "John" in the 'No Idea' tier? It's a mystery ... We'll likely never get anything more personal out of him than the fact that he loves taking morning shits.
Tigers/ Alex - Not positive but I believe his name is Alex?.. Legend has it he's the GM of the Tigers.
The Not Top Ten
Mets/ Jack - Don't wanna give Jack much credit here since he can't ever give me any, but he's older than the young'uns and he likes to call people soft so he must think he's hard.
Nationals/ Bryan - Yes 'RETARD strength' is the key here. He's young but his abnormally large head likely gets him over 6'- and I don't really think of him as a wimpy dumb hick more just a dumb hick.
Dodgers/ Jake - Could probably be in the 'No Idea' tier being so new, but since he's a Jersey guy he gets a bump. I would presume that Jake has fist-pumped with his blowout on the Boardwalk at one point or another.
Cardinals/ Matt - Matt's pretty young still but he goes to the gym I think, and he doesn't talk a lot of shit so I'll rank him ahead of some guys that do.
Giants/ Paul - When it comes to 'Old Man strength,' this guy has it down pat. But Paul has been through some SHIT... Surgeries, six divorces, falling off ponies.. Let's face it, he's a broken down rickety old geezer. But I'd still want a guy in his 60's on my side rather than some young string bean.
Brewers/ Nick - Normally I'd say here that less talk = more walk, but almost no talk and being from Iowa (? not sure of that one) means he'd probably be as passive during the brawl as he's been in ODC (love ya Nick!).
The Top Ten
Cubs/ Slaw- Late 30's and doesn't talk all that much which pushes him up some, and he drinks whiskey. But he is a teacher after all. Not that this means he can't fight but it casts some doubt.
Twins/ Pat - I should be in a more modest spot to avoid coming off as a fake tough guy, but thanks to good beer I'm heavier than most and spend my time in bars getting fueled up.
Mariners/ Dave - Dave doesn't look like much of a fighter, but he's over 30, has the Dad strength and he's always just one "Hey Dave" away when you need him so he gets a bump for that. And he usually one-ups me so we'll keep that consistent.
Rays/ Forbz - Lil younger than the rest of the top 10 but he's an Irishman and frequents Irish pubs so that helps.. He gets into plenty of verbal spats but he doesn't escalate it to physical threats so that helps too.
Indians/ Greg - Not a young'un, from Pittsburgh (Steel Country), even though he's a saboteur but that could prove useful during the brawl. Also he listens to some aggressive rock music, unlike a lot of the Wangstas in here. Just kidding good music is good music, I suppose.
The Top Five
Royals/ Marty - 'Dad strength' is key, now multiply that by eleven children. He may move like a rusty gate at the gym but at least he tries, and he's a tall drink of water. I think he's even got Farmer strength in his bloodline.
Braves/ Wood - He's over 30, from Missouri and rocking a ginger beard. 'Nuff said he doesn't sound like a guy I wanna square off with. I mean I'm sure there are some pussies from MO but the ginger beard makes me think he isn't one of em.
Marlins/ Kev - Similar to Wood in that he's in or near his 30's, from Georgia which to me isn't a weak state to be from, drinks big beer and manages a big grocery store. Not that it's a very tough-sounding job but imagine him kicking your ass with his name tag on, "Hello, my name is YOUR WORST FUCKING NIGHTMARE".
Rangers/ Bill - Old Man strength, Dad strength, and he speaks softly but Bill's lurking omnipresence on ProBoards leads us to believe he probably carries a big stick.
Dbacks/ Hemmons- Again teacher isn't typically a tough-guy job, but I saw a pic of him on Twitter or somewhere and he looks like your typical rough & tumble Philly guy that could wreck most of the dweebs in here with one of his hamhock meathooks.
These are the first ever (& almost positively never again) *Projected* ODC Ass-Kicking Rankings: How ODC's GM's would fare in a barroom brawl, in loose order from worst to best.
*Projected* because I don't know everyone in here beyond a few photos or conversations or jokes about each other, and so this is 100% in a joking tone and is not to be taken seriously.
So please, "don't get all butthurt." The tiers are in order other than the 'No Idea' tier, but the GM's in each tier aren't in much of an order.
A good thing about society in here is no matter how heated our arguments get it doesn't tend to come to threats of ass-kicking.
Because let's not get all rowdy and stupid about some shit-talk or about who fucked the fatter chick.
One of the determining factors in these rankings is how much guys talk trash, because that can mean they can't back it up.
Physical size is another, although it is just perceived size in most cases. Again this list is not very accurate or meaningful.
Guys who try to keep fit vs. those that don't seem to. I don't keep a journal of this shit but it comes up in chat once in a while.
A big one is age, so you can say it's biased in that regard. There's Old Man strength, Dad strength, Retard strength, and other such factors that may influence one's rank.
Ready ... FIGHT!
The Cornells
Red Sox/ Will - Will's an English Lit major (probably isn't but we'll use it for effect), writes for his school paper and weighs 135 with boots on. Maybe he's a secret Kung fu master but I don't have much faith in that.
Padres/ Noah - I assume there's a good chance brawling isn't one of Noah's strong suits. Could be wrong but I saw a pic of him recently and he isn't exactly what you'd call a Brick Shithouse.
Yankees/ Justin - Justin doesn't go to Cornell but he was at ODC Meetup '17 so we'll lump him in, and something tells me he didn't spend much time honing his bar fight skills between studying obscure stats and jerking it to prospects.
White Sox/ Mike - Mike is a Cornell to the core, but he could be packin' a Glock or TEC-9 with all that rap music influencing him, and he does go to the gym occasionally. Even though I imagine it's just to do Pilates or ride the elliptical while reading a novel.
The Tweenies (The Young'uns)
Rockies/ Smac - Apparently he's 6'1 or something tall like that, but a 6+ foot 17 year old coming at grown-ass men would just get them madder and make things worse.
A's/ JT - JT doesn't come off as a wimp to me at all but something's gotta be said here for looking like he's 13.
Astros/ Elijah (a.k.a. "Max") - Max has size as he often reminds us, "I'm huge," which is somewhat off-putting but at least it gets him closer toward the middle of this list.
No Idea
Orioles/ Jeff - I think he's young-ish still, not really sure and I can't formulate much of an idea. But it is refreshing to have Jeff in the bottom 3rd of a rankings. Though I sense his offense would be filthy and disgusting.
Reds/ Cody - Same story as Jeff pretty much. He's from Iowa? Not sure of that, or if it's good or bad. Sorry not much to add here.
Blue Jays/ Sanders - 20 something Jewish guys that snowboard generally don't pose much of a threat, but I know some Jews are tough and pretty sure he's over 20 so he can bypass the Young'uns tier.
Phillies/ Khanz - Khanz doesn't seem to have much of a personality other than getting all fiery and pissy about things. Maybe screaming and cursing will help. If he does have a personality I don't think we've seen it yet.
Pirates/ Caleb - Not sure about Caleb but maybe he would walk into the perfect bar at the right time and luck into a victory.
Angels/ "John" - Why is "John" in the 'No Idea' tier? It's a mystery ... We'll likely never get anything more personal out of him than the fact that he loves taking morning shits.
Tigers/ Alex - Not positive but I believe his name is Alex?.. Legend has it he's the GM of the Tigers.
The Not Top Ten
Mets/ Jack - Don't wanna give Jack much credit here since he can't ever give me any, but he's older than the young'uns and he likes to call people soft so he must think he's hard.
Nationals/ Bryan - Yes 'RETARD strength' is the key here. He's young but his abnormally large head likely gets him over 6'- and I don't really think of him as a wimpy dumb hick more just a dumb hick.
Dodgers/ Jake - Could probably be in the 'No Idea' tier being so new, but since he's a Jersey guy he gets a bump. I would presume that Jake has fist-pumped with his blowout on the Boardwalk at one point or another.
Cardinals/ Matt - Matt's pretty young still but he goes to the gym I think, and he doesn't talk a lot of shit so I'll rank him ahead of some guys that do.
Giants/ Paul - When it comes to 'Old Man strength,' this guy has it down pat. But Paul has been through some SHIT... Surgeries, six divorces, falling off ponies.. Let's face it, he's a broken down rickety old geezer. But I'd still want a guy in his 60's on my side rather than some young string bean.
Brewers/ Nick - Normally I'd say here that less talk = more walk, but almost no talk and being from Iowa (? not sure of that one) means he'd probably be as passive during the brawl as he's been in ODC (love ya Nick!).
The Top Ten
Cubs/ Slaw- Late 30's and doesn't talk all that much which pushes him up some, and he drinks whiskey. But he is a teacher after all. Not that this means he can't fight but it casts some doubt.
Twins/ Pat - I should be in a more modest spot to avoid coming off as a fake tough guy, but thanks to good beer I'm heavier than most and spend my time in bars getting fueled up.
Mariners/ Dave - Dave doesn't look like much of a fighter, but he's over 30, has the Dad strength and he's always just one "Hey Dave" away when you need him so he gets a bump for that. And he usually one-ups me so we'll keep that consistent.
Rays/ Forbz - Lil younger than the rest of the top 10 but he's an Irishman and frequents Irish pubs so that helps.. He gets into plenty of verbal spats but he doesn't escalate it to physical threats so that helps too.
Indians/ Greg - Not a young'un, from Pittsburgh (Steel Country), even though he's a saboteur but that could prove useful during the brawl. Also he listens to some aggressive rock music, unlike a lot of the Wangstas in here. Just kidding good music is good music, I suppose.
The Top Five
Royals/ Marty - 'Dad strength' is key, now multiply that by eleven children. He may move like a rusty gate at the gym but at least he tries, and he's a tall drink of water. I think he's even got Farmer strength in his bloodline.
Braves/ Wood - He's over 30, from Missouri and rocking a ginger beard. 'Nuff said he doesn't sound like a guy I wanna square off with. I mean I'm sure there are some pussies from MO but the ginger beard makes me think he isn't one of em.
Marlins/ Kev - Similar to Wood in that he's in or near his 30's, from Georgia which to me isn't a weak state to be from, drinks big beer and manages a big grocery store. Not that it's a very tough-sounding job but imagine him kicking your ass with his name tag on, "Hello, my name is YOUR WORST FUCKING NIGHTMARE".
Rangers/ Bill - Old Man strength, Dad strength, and he speaks softly but Bill's lurking omnipresence on ProBoards leads us to believe he probably carries a big stick.
Dbacks/ Hemmons- Again teacher isn't typically a tough-guy job, but I saw a pic of him on Twitter or somewhere and he looks like your typical rough & tumble Philly guy that could wreck most of the dweebs in here with one of his hamhock meathooks.
