JEWS

[White Sox GM (Michael)]

Welcome to JEWS (Just Everything White Sox), the official news network of your Chicago White Sox! Come to JEWS for an inside look at the Chicago White Sox, as we offer exclusive interviews and expert reporting of what happens both on and off the field. Stay tuned for more to see what JEWS have in store!

[White Sox GM (Michael)]

As the dog days of summer fall upon the White Sox, we talked to the players to see how they manage playing through such a grueling schedule.

"You know, there are a lot of ways to stay cool in the clubhouse," said staff co-ace Aaron Nola. "Our facilities are top-notch. The trainers are always making sure we stay loose, and our nutritionist makes sure we stay hydrated throughout practice and games. But above all, between innings on pitching days, I like to run into the training room and shove my dick straight into a bucket of ice."

"It's all about having a good mindset day-to-day," said left fielder Corey Dickerson. "With a winning attitude, it isn't as bad as you'd think."

"You bet your bottom dollar it gets hard," continued Nola, "but that allows for maximum surface area to absorb the coolness and reach the rest of the body."

"Sure, it's definitely tough as a catcher," said Yadier Molina, "but the skipper has done a good job resting me and Russell [Martin] when we need it."

"Why don't I just shower? That's a good question," continued Nola, unprompted by any questions. "That would require me to take off my uniform, which would require me to put on a smelly uniform after, and everyone knows nothing feels worse than putting on a smelly set of clothes after you've just showered."

Reporting live from Guaranteed Rate Field, this has been JEWS.

[White Sox GM (Michael)]

With trade talks heating up, JEWS got the chance to catch up with owner/GM/manager Michael on some possible players on the move. We even got an exclusive look at his sales pitches.

1B Freddie Freeman

"Now THAT's a good player. He only has 3 years of control, and he is already 29 -- almost 30 -- so I would be lucky to get a mid-round pick, but maybe someone will take him off my hands."

3B Josh Donaldson

"He's good, but I've seen better. But, I have also seen worse."

DH Nelson Cruz

"He's been good for an eternity and will be hitting home runs until he dies. Probably even slightly after until the rigor mortis sets in."

SP Aaron Nola

"He is good, arguably quite good. Maybe even an ace. It depends on the semantics of it all."

RP Sean Doolittle

"He's awfully good at athletics for a guy with the last name Doolittle. I actually thought I was acquiring our team doctor when I traded for him."

OF Josh Reddick

"Decidedly less good than the others, but less good is relative. Less good than good can still be good."

RP David Hernandez

"Ok, I cannot in good conscience say that guy is good."

There you have it folks. So why haven't any of these players been traded?

"Well it turns out, there is a new sabermetric wave across the league that opposes the deployment of good players on your roster," Michael told us JEWS. Pausing for a second, he added, "exceptions are generally made for players 23 or younger, making $1M or less."

Why haven't the Sox engaged in such practices?

"Well, I'll explain, JEWS. My analytics department has been focusing its resources on studying this phenomenon, poring over research from the inception of ODC until today. As it turns out, you need good players to win. And in order to get good players, you generally have to try."

Until next time from Guaranteed Rate Field, this has been the JEWS report.